Monday, April 20, 2009

Zigzags and crossfire

Life has been very overwhelming these last few days. I find myself very frustrated at the moment. Hey, I was in such a funky mood this morning that I started lecturing the pot of dirt on my balcony for not growing into the herbs I wanted to use for cooking. Because giving a plant a "stern talking-to" has been known to do LOTS of good. Seriously.

The recent cause of these frustrations? Finding out yesterday that I was rejected from every single graduate program that I applied to - 7 out of 7 rejections. Not even an interview. I find this exceptionally frustrating for multiple reasons. First of all... I've been a brainiac all my life. Suddenly I'm not good enough for a PhD? Really? Second of all... HOW many people told me I was being ridiculous when I was worried I wouldn't get in. Yeah - all of you folks?s GUILT. Because I failed. I didn't get in. My fear came true. The anxiety was real and, as it turns out, legitimate. So if all those people who believed in me and were convinced I was a sure-in... what does that mean now? I live in fear of disappointing people. 

There's the theater director that went off yesterday about how this production is not enough to earn our keep. It's a second job, a hobby, a fun adventure. But it's not going to pay the bills. Well... fuck. Because it's the only "real" job I have right now. So back to the drawing board on that one. Except... I have no clue what to do. I no longer have confidence in my nonprofit/program manager abilities after rejection-rejection-rejection. I doubt my artistic abilities and I'm really trying to avoid working retail/restaurants. Where is my life going? I have a Vanderbilt education... for what? Unemployment lines??

I feel as if I'm wandering and wandering and wandering... found a shiny object and started chasing it, found another, dropped the first, and sprinted after a third. Now it's getting dark and I've lost my way... no clue what the path even looks like, let alone knowing which direction leads me to safety once I find it. Shiny objects keep me occupied by day... but that's not going to pay the bills. How did this get to be my life? How do I get back to a path... and how will I know it when I find it? 

The one positive... at least I'm already in Nashville. If I received this news in New York... desperate for graduate school to serve as a ticket OUT of that environment... it would not be pretty. Not be pretty at all. At least I have friends and family of choice here in town to help me  stay upright. 


Layla Eshe said...

Aww girl *hugs* Things will get better, we need to get together this week :) Get some fun in your life and make you smile :)

Just because you got rejected doesn't mean are you worthless. I will tell you a secret, I got rejected from LOADS of music schools LOL Bastards. Well, you know some people are just to darn talented and fabulous for the schools to understand. :) Like us. So keep on plugging away!

You let me know if you wanna get together this week. I have Friday off, so thursday or friday night is good for me. :) but seriously anytime you need anything give me a call.

You are in my thoughts!


Reagan said...

I am so sorry, sweetie. But you have such incredible drive and direction- something good this way comes... :)

And we are going to talk soon, dammit!!