Tuesday, June 16, 2009

AnAkEwLiEz pIsS mE oFf

For those that don't know the jargon... "anakewliez" is the name a favored internet community and I gave to the people who are all oh-my-god-Ana-and-Mia-are-my-best-friends. People who glamorize eating disorders as lifestyles, who buy into the myriad of LIES out there about them. People who literally treat these LIFE THREATENING CONDITIONS as if they were best friends or Facebook buddies who actually gave a damn about their well being.

I am beyond pissed off right about now. I really do like to think of myself as a person with a good heart who, sometimes against better judgement, will offer a word or ten of support if someone is struggling. I'm not shy about it... I share my story to help others struggling with similar issues. There's enough shame in the illness itself, no need to add to it now. I am in recovery from anorexia. There, I said it... world didn't end. Now... people that KNOW this about me and STILL make idiotic comments? Now that, that right there? That pisses me off.

Case in point. A person I knew from Renfrew last summer is struggling hard core. I get that. I offer support... and trying to say that I can't handle reading updates that glamorize something that has ruined much of my life... in the nicest, most Kayti-like of ways. I get back?? A post on MY facebook wall about how the disorder is a lifestyle, not an illness. How she hopes she dies thin and happy, or not at all. How she's sorry I don't see it that way. Okay, STOP THE FUCKING PARADE.

Seriously? WHO wishes someone they met in TREATMENT to think in the illness itself? Even if YOU are so far lost into its depths that you buy the bullshit out there about it... to suggest to someone else that they should starve themselves to death? That is just sick. What pisses me off most about this whole scenario is that it perpetuates the myth that anorexia is all about a desire to be thin. This is infuriating to me because it couldn't be further from the truth, in my case. Sure, there is a fear of fat and gaining weight... but the desire to disappear from the world was the driving force, not a desire to be skin and bone. I was ashamed of my body and how it looked, ashamed that my struggle was that obvious. It was not something I was proud of... but something I hid. It came from a place of desperation and an obsession with the illusion of control... from an I-give-up place that wasn't willing to back out of life any other way.

Maybe this is too personal to put in a blog.. but not many people read this anyways. And I'm fuming mad.

I thought about leaving her words on my Facebook profile... see what others owuld say. But honestly? It was so repulsive and offensive that I deleted it, lest someone who reads my page who also struggles read her words and get triggered by them. Or harmed in any other way. I won't have that. Because I, unlike this person, give a crap about my friends and really DO want them to live free and happily. You can't do that in a fucking eating disorder.

I may continue to struggle with this a LOT more than I let on... but there is NEVER a desire to become an anazombie or drama queen of any nature. I would NEVER wish this hell on anyone else, no matter how much I disliked them... let alone someone I met in treatment! The thought of that never even crossed my mind!

So... RAWWWR fucking RAWR! That's me using my voice and channeling my inner lioness. Screw being "mama duck" like I was in college... I'm in the big leagues now. And no one, I mean NO ONE, messes with my cubs.
Nightmares take the weirdest forms possible sometimes. I've been struggling some with comments made by a director in my life right now. Specifically, comments regarding how big my butt is and how it's always sticking out. He has no clue about my history... and I am sure it's not intentionally hurtful. Thing is? I'm incredibly self conscious about it!

Add in the fact that I'm doing some rather intense stuff one hour a week... and you get the dreams I had last night. I'm going to be with another person while my person is out of town... and the dream? That person had me going to this weird group program that was less than IOP by more than OP... and the director was the one in charge. One of the other girls I knew from before was in there with me and she was FURIOUS. Well, the director dude was talking about safety and how you should lock your doors. Dream changed to me living on site and feeling so uncomfortable that I went to my room and locked the door. Dude got pissed and came after me... yelling, screaming, banging on the door. He was about to break it down, cursing at me and telling me exactly what he'd do to me if he caught me. The friend I had in the group ran to the other staff person... and they got him out of there and arrested. Then the staff was sitting with me, trying to figure out how to get me to deal with this new experience instead of staying a sobbing, shivering heap on the floor.

She was patient enough... but couldn't quite grasp why it was so upsetting. There were rainbows involved in the dream... a color-coded guide to locking your door... and random other things. Including someone trying to strangle me with a muff (I realized that my kitten was sleeping on my head/throat and that made it's way into my dream).

But seriously... what is UP with those types of fucked up dreams?? There was enough absurd that it was clear to me it was a dream... but seriously? Can a girl not sleep in peace? Hrumph!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Jobless in Nashville

I really, really need a job. Although it's fun to sit on the edge of my chair, foot prancing wildly, while spending hours in coffee shops searching through employment ads for something I am qualified for... I've had enough of it. I want a job. I want the security of having a known income. I want to remember what it is like to have funds going IN the bank, not just coming OUT. 

Is this really too much to ask? I don't think so. Know what would help? Responses of some kind from places that post job ads. At least an automatic reply that the message was received and you will be notified by X date if you make it to the next level, otherwise thank you for your time, have a good life. It's the sending of resume after resume into the voids of cyberspace and hearing NOTHING back that is draining my dry. Or... maybe that's the nervous twitch from too much caffeine.

Seriously though... anyone know anyone looking to hire someone with experience in office/program management, public speaking, creative and performing arts, nonprofit business, crisis advocacy, event planning or professional organizing??? I'm getting a wee bit nervous as I watch those numbers in the bank that represent my livelihood dwindle. Anyone?

Friday, June 12, 2009

Really? Hrumph!

Seriously? The ONE thing I wanted to do today was spend some nice, quiet time at the pool. Lay out, get some sun, cool off in the water. I'm having a shit day after a shit yesterday and it was what I told myself I could do for self care. I don't like laying out in the summer heat without access to a pool - I overheat. I also feel awkward laying out on my balcony with folks coming and going below. 

I got all greased up AT the pool. It was quiet... private pool in the mornings as most folks are at work and kids are in camps. Until this one person comes out... then next thing I know... management is out there. Apparently the pool got trashed on Tuesday night and they are shock cleaning it, whatever that means. I wasn't even allowed to just lay out there... pool closed, fine, but why can't I sit out on the deck?? It's a private place. It's closed a week. Bullshit. It was open Tuesday (she had originally said Sunday) and it's opening tomorrow. 

I'm... pissed off and frustrated. Okay, so something happened. 1) Get your story straight. 2) Put up a fucking sign. 3) Why the hell can't the DECK stay open despite closed pool? I'm 25 fucking years old, I think I can stay out of the water. 4) Put up a fucking sign. 5) Don't apologize when you don't mean it. 

So much for my goal of making this a better day. I don't ask for much (do I?) and that was all I wanted. Fuck it. Just... fuck it. Now I'm all greasy too and need another shower. Fuck this. JUst.... fuck it. Know what else is annoying??? I'm so angry I'm in tears. I HATE that. I never look mad with tears streaming down my face... what is UP with that?

Monday, June 08, 2009


I mean... seriously?!?!? I have spent the greater part of the last few weeks CLEANING my apartment to rid it of glitter. I found glitter in places it should never be... like the crease of the toilet and in the cat's litter box. But tonight takes the cake. Somehow... the offensive substance that coated my body during Faire... made its way INTO the gel part of my brush. Not just on the outside. Not just in the bristles. Not just on the handle. But INSIDE the brush. This unnerves me. How did it get there? What else gets in there? Where else is the glitter lurking?

I thought it was bad when I caught a fleck in my ice cube tray (and therefore ice). I thought finding it in the cat's fur was sad. How it got in my glovebox of the car, I don't know. How it managed to stay in the pocket of those jeans despite being washed TWICE since then... but INSIDE the gel handle of the brush? That just... takes the cake. 

I'm a crafter and an artist type. Despite that and my love of all things creative, NO MORE GLITTER!

Artsy Fartsy - June Art Shows

We all talk about chasing our dreams, hoping that we get further than our beloved pets when they run in circles chasing their tails. Now, Raven comes close and Naia frequently DOES catch her tail... but I've gotten one step closer than that. After months and months of submitting to everything I can find on Craigslist, reading MetroMix and the Nashville Scene, and hanging out at all the local coffee shops, picking up all those little flier thingies... I've landed myself a few art shows!

On Saturday, June 13th, I will have space at the Billups! Art Event in East Nashville. Specifically, it's at 1008c Woodmont Street. I strongly encourage you to attend! The show is from 11-8pm... East Nashville is a fantastic part of town... great community, lots of artsy fartsy types. Like me. I hope to have some of my acrylics and photography up.

On Monday, June 15th I load in at Elena's Cafe in Brentwood, located near the Franklin Rd Borders and Kroger. I'll have about 20 pieces of photography available for sale, as well as the debut of my "Masquerade" collection of masks. These will be for sale as well... but the neatest part will be attending to see the different masks together. The cafe is fantastic, home of the best Bubble Tea in Nashville, and a great ethnic assortment. The owner is fabulous - he is allowing artists to hang their work for 30 days in his space FREE of charge, not even commission! So please help me help him... go have lunch or dinner there one day... look at my art... and thank him for letting local artists show their work in his space. 

Maybe art itself isn't your thing? What about theatre? 

The Post Depression Theatre opens its second round of "A Sketchy Evening" on June 26th and 27th - 7:30pm shows with a suggested donation of $5. Located in 5-Points... right by the BP on the intersection of Woodmont and N 11th Street. It's the purple building with the funky people painted on the side, with the painted sign "Post Depression Theatre" being a dead give-away. I'm in 3 of the 8 sketches... and wrote one of them. So come on by and check it out! Bring your own lawn chair if you like... seating inside is limited... so having a comfy one of your own guarantees you a space.

All this to say... I've been very, very busy. Spending lots of time in my home studio these days... getting work ready for the two art shows. Let's keep our fingers and toes crossed that I sell something... I need to start paying off the overhead cost and, maybe, my bills? 

Friday, June 05, 2009

Holes in the Wall, not the Head

On Monday, June 15th I will be loading in about 20-25 pieces of photography and about 10 masks to Elena's Cafe in Brentwood, just off Franklin Rd, near the Borders and Kroger. It's a great little cafe in the heart of Brentwood area... making the best bubble tea I've ever had in my life. Even better than the little asian market that I lived above in Potsdam. The owner is amazing and has a friend who is an artist - she volunteers her time to help him have new art on his walls - at (get this!!!) no charge to the artist!!! 

I spent a large chunk of these last few days going through my digital photography and selecting pieces to display. I got them developed yesterday and picked up frames today... spent the evening playing with various arrangements of matting... and think I've got them just as I like them (for now). I need to find mats for 11 x 14 prints... will try the art store tomorrow to see if they have more custom-sized matting. 

So... aside from the sheer incredibleness of having my very own art gig... just my art... no one else in there... in a nice part of town... I'm also riding high on the whole picture. See, art is one of those things that I was always told I couldn't do. I wasn't as good as the other kids in middle school, and I wasn't encouraged to break outside that black-and-white box. I started apologizing for my attempts at art... I would beat people to the punch by telling them that even my stick figures needed help. I doubted myself, I doubted my abilities and I was embarrassed to be less than perfect. Until my senior year at Vanderbilt when I started drawing faeries. Until I looked at my pictures one day and realized I had some natural talent here. Until I picked up a paintbrush this past January and discovered I could paint.

Art is my liberation flag. It is the one thing that tapped into my true self despite relapsing into anorexia and struggling to get by in day to day life. It is the one common thread that ties together so much of my life. It is an expression of the soul in various mediums, textured by emotion. It is my catalyst into recovery and a life that I only half-lived for almost eleven years. 

I came to Tennessee expecting a short-term stay... expecting to leave in the summer to pursue my doctorate. Life had other plans. Honestly? I couldn't be happier! I finished my project this evening and hung up the many pieces of photography that laid sprawled on the floor. When you have two cats, it is not safe to leave precious materials (or anything you don't want stepped on, sat upon or chewed on) on the floor. My home is now like the canvases I use to paint... it is a work in progress. Some of the holes hold finished products. Some contain half a thought. Some contain the sheer outline on an idea. But everything is hanging. Why wait until it is done to showcase the effort? Life doesn't wait for the final stroked are completed... why should I? 

This peace that has come over me lately... it is grounded in all of this. I am slowly applying my artistic impulses to daily life. There is so much more to life than the slight bit I'd allowed myself to taste while trapped in my own mental muck. For the first time I can remember, I feel truly free. 

Half-Tipsy Thoughts

As the title says... there may or may not be a bit of alcohol in my veins. It comes in the form of Mike's Hard Raspberry-Lemonade. That stuff is AMAZING. It comes in peace. It comes from the back corner of my fridge that I didn't know was there until scavenging for something tonight... found the cookie dough I was looking for AND the lemonade. That's ALMOST a fruit, right? :P

So... random movie advice. The Producers? Really not that good of a musical or movie. I wasn't impressed. I'd heard good things, I know it recently came to TPAC... but honestly? I was bored. I almost fell asleep and when the thunderstorm came through last night, I found myself MUCH more entertained by the lights and sound of Nature than of the idiots dancing around on screen. So that was a major let down. Wanted though... THAT is a good movie. Angelina Jolie did well... as did Morgan Freeman and the lead dude playing Wesley. 

What is it with naming characters Wesley? The best all time Wesley has to be from The Princess Bride, you know, Mr. As You Wish, aka Dred Pirate Roberts. He doesn't believe in ROUS's though... despite the rather large toothy scar on his body after making that comment in the swamp pips. Pits too. Mr. Mostly Dead that got revived by the best witch doctor in Hollywood.

Then you've got Wesley from Buffy... you know... the prison-bait going after Cordy in Season 3? I mean sure, he was cute and all... but why settle for the young Brit when you've got the gloriously glamorous undead to date? Sure, they can take you out in the daylight and you don't have to worry about those nasty forehead wrinkles... but seriously? NOT a comparison! 

Kung Fu Panda was a fantastic movie though... too bad it got rained out of the Park last night. That would be neat to see on full screen. Though I wouldn't want to be in the Park when all the kids start trying those moves. Some things just aren't meant to be. That, and I don't really like fighting for parking at those park movie things... 

So those are my random half-tipsy thoughts of the night. Sponsored by Mike's and a really, really good day. Yup, I've had several good days in a row, almost 2 weeks of them in fact. That's fantastic! It's punctuated by a rather disgusting experience with Mr Asshat Producer Dude who tried to get me to prostitute myself for a role... but you know what? I appreciate his slimeball efforts. He gave me anger and voice and an uncontrollable urge to walk around with my third finger protruded in an erect fashion. That's the only erect ANYTHING this shitster warrants. Oh, he also wanted me to lose weight... fuck you Mr A.P.D. You picked the wrong chica to mess with... maybe read the resume next time, or have someone explain to you what "advocate" means - because pulling that crap on someone who has worked for FIVE YEARS with women and teaching them about the power they have over their own bodies? Yeah, that's a no win situation for you. 

Hmmm. I might still be mad. I'm okay with that. It fuels a lot of things... including my celebrating tonight of a kick-ass day after a kick-ass week, with a kick-ass movie (that would be Wanted). So thank you Mr A.P.D for helping me kick ass... not quite the piece of ass you had in mind... but something MUCH more agreeable with my moralities and conscience. Maybe avoid the feminists next time you try that crud... or the only thing kick ass about YOU would be the foot up your ass kicking you out the door.

Hmmm. I'm feisty. Time for bed. Alcohol makes me sleepy.