I am beyond pissed off right about now. I really do like to think of myself as a person with a good heart who, sometimes against better judgement, will offer a word or ten of support if someone is struggling. I'm not shy about it... I share my story to help others struggling with similar issues. There's enough shame in the illness itself, no need to add to it now. I am in recovery from anorexia. There, I said it... world didn't end. Now... people that KNOW this about me and STILL make idiotic comments? Now that, that right there? That pisses me off.
Case in point. A person I knew from Renfrew last summer is struggling hard core. I get that. I offer support... and trying to say that I can't handle reading updates that glamorize something that has ruined much of my life... in the nicest, most Kayti-like of ways. I get back?? A post on MY facebook wall about how the disorder is a lifestyle, not an illness. How she hopes she dies thin and happy, or not at all. How she's sorry I don't see it that way. Okay, STOP THE FUCKING PARADE.
Seriously? WHO wishes someone they met in TREATMENT to think in the illness itself? Even if YOU are so far lost into its depths that you buy the bullshit out there about it... to suggest to someone else that they should starve themselves to death? That is just sick. What pisses me off most about this whole scenario is that it perpetuates the myth that anorexia is all about a desire to be thin. This is infuriating to me because it couldn't be further from the truth, in my case. Sure, there is a fear of fat and gaining weight... but the desire to disappear from the world was the driving force, not a desire to be skin and bone. I was ashamed of my body and how it looked, ashamed that my struggle was that obvious. It was not something I was proud of... but something I hid. It came from a place of desperation and an obsession with the illusion of control... from an I-give-up place that wasn't willing to back out of life any other way.
Maybe this is too personal to put in a blog.. but not many people read this anyways. And I'm fuming mad.
I thought about leaving her words on my Facebook profile... see what others owuld say. But honestly? It was so repulsive and offensive that I deleted it, lest someone who reads my page who also struggles read her words and get triggered by them. Or harmed in any other way. I won't have that. Because I, unlike this person, give a crap about my friends and really DO want them to live free and happily. You can't do that in a fucking eating disorder.
I may continue to struggle with this a LOT more than I let on... but there is NEVER a desire to become an anazombie or drama queen of any nature. I would NEVER wish this hell on anyone else, no matter how much I disliked them... let alone someone I met in treatment! The thought of that never even crossed my mind!
So... RAWWWR fucking RAWR! That's me using my voice and channeling my inner lioness. Screw being "mama duck" like I was in college... I'm in the big leagues now. And no one, I mean NO ONE, messes with my cubs.