Sunday, May 03, 2009

Furiously Frustrated

Seriously?!?!? What the fucking hell? I am so angry and frustrated that I've been reduced to random fits of tears flowing heatedly from my eyes, smearing their salty way down my cheeks before splashing off my face, landing on my clothing, computer or cat (Raven). I hate this. I hate it so much. I hate not having ANY ability to change the current situation... and I am FURIOUSLY FRUSTRATED that I'm even IN this situation!!!


See... I took Naia in to the lady who sold her to me. Lady transports her to the vet to get the surgery for fixing (which went well, thank the Goddess), and then brings her back to me. Lady gave me her home number, cell, work and her boyfriend's number. Well... I've been calling Lady since FRIDAY to find out where my cat is and how to get her back... and NO ANSWER. I've left messages. I finally got ahold of the boyfriend last night and he told me she was at the store. So I called - no answer, another message.

WHAT THE HELL?!?!? Where is my Naia??? I haven't seen her adorable face since Wednesday afternoon. She's probably in her cage somewhere... is she still at the vet? Is she with Lady??? WHERE IS MY CHILD??? I hate this. I fucking hate this. My baby had surgery... and I can't be there to love on her. She probably hates me... what if this distance and horrid treatment turns her from the sweetest, most loving, adorable creature into a stoic, antisocial recluse?? She's been through Hell and her mother (me) hasn't been there. But that's NOT my fault! 

I want my child back and I want her back NOW. I don't have any functioning numbers that get me to Lady though. I've left message after message. All I can do now is wait... and this frustration is festering inside, wrecking all kinds of habit. One of my worst fears if for something bad to happen to her. I lost Kaida almost 5 months ago now... and I am NOT okay with the idea of losing another child. I can't handle it. I really, really can't handle it. Every time I close my eyes, nightmares about my cat. Something happened... why aren't they returning my calls? In one nightmare, they brought me the wrong cat. In another? They told me she bit the vet and had to be put down. NO WAY. NO. 

I'm scared for my kid. I hate this. I hate being powerless to help. I don't even know WHERE this cat is... or WHERE this Lady lives. I only know her from work. I WANT MY CAT BACK NOW! At the very least... I want a phone call telling me where she is, that she's okay, and when I can come get her. This not knowing is KILLING me. Seriously. I have NEVER done well with the power-down position in life. It triggers, well, everything. 

I will call every fucking hour on the hour if I don't hear something back by ... say... 2pm. I am NOT going to bed tongiht without my Naia. I don't care if I have to call the fucking cops (okay, maybe that's going a bit far) - but seriously?!?!? WHERE IS MY CAT? Why won't Lady return my phone calls? This is NOT okay. NOT okay at all. I want my child back and I want her back like 2 days ago. I don't care WHERE she is at this point, just tell me and I"ll drive to get her. And love on her the entire way home. 

I thought nothing could be worse than getting Raven back the same day as her surgery, seeing her in so much pain, dealing with her and stitches and all that. But honestly? This IS worse. Because I can't see my child. I can't hold her. I don't even know where she is to be able to PICTURE her doing well. I'm scared for her and it's killing me inside. I want my child back NOW. Every ounce of maternal instinct is screaming... yelling... building into an absolute fury. GIVE ME MY CAT BACK!!!!!

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