Saturday, July 11, 2009

Request to the Antioch Arachnids

I have come a long, long way in my arachnophobia. I no longer freak out when I see the spiders outside... nor do I mind too terribly much when I walk into one in another person's space. I've gotten to the point where I can calmly ask someone to get the spider off of me or to remove it from the room - not the automatic EEEEEEEEEEEKKKK KILLLLLL IIIITTTTTT! that used to come out at the same moment I would be flying out of the room in barely-human leaps and bounds.

The Renaissance Faire did a lot for me that way. When you are playing the part of a tree faerie, you do a LOT of lying around in leaves, rocks, trees and stone walls. Guess who else adores these habitats? Yup, spiders. They liked to chill out in our tent back stage as well... and I even got to the point of still going to the water cooler despite several just chillin' right there by the spicket. They were in the port-o-potties and I still used them... serious progress.

But seriously? This morning? I'm going to have to draw the line. I woke up with the kitties wanting food... so I fed them around 6:30 in the morning. This is okay for normal rise-and-shine during the week, but not on weekends. So... I figured I'd just go to the bathroom (because once you are awake and realize you need to pee, there is NO going back to sleep without using the lavatory) and head back to bed. I'm in my bathroom, minding my own business... about to reach for the toilet paper to finish my needs... and there's a spider just sitting right there. What the hell?? Sneaky little bastard was just ASKING for me to smack him silly. After the initial shock to my dreary system and the comprehension that my toilet paper wasn't moving, but the spider on it was... I realized I needed to have some words with the local arachnid population.


You'd think having two cats would be deterrent enough. Apparently not. Now, it's not a declaration of war, because I do NOT fancy the idea of a spider invasion... I think my heart would stop beating entirely at the sight. But I am saying this. To the local spiders... STAY OUT. You can have the outdoor world... you can even have the fireplace itself... WHY do you need to be in my few rooms and, especially, on MY toilet paper! That's just... not necessary.

What happened to that TP Spider? Well... it got smushed by a dirty kleenex. Usually I just use the TP... but he was in the way. So... I had to make do with what I had. I did flush him just for shits and giggles... and as a warning to others to STAY AWAY FROM THE TOILET PAPER.

I mean... seriously. Seriously!!!

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